So, after last week’s instalment, where I made reference to our ‘Santa Cams’, I got thinking a lot about the lies we tell our children. Because, let’s face it, we lie to children, from the minute they’re born to the minute they get corrupted by someone with a much older brother who tells them the truth about everything. I’m terrified of the day this happens with Oscar, because my entire parenting strategy will come crashing down round my ankles.
There are several categories of the lies we tell our children. First, the lies of whimsy. These are the best ones, you can be as creative as you want with these, because their entire foundation is built on magic. Your only barrier is your imagination. You have your basics like the Tooth Fairy, other fairies with a less specific function, the sock monster, etc. You have to put in the ground-work early, because they pave the way to a whole other level of gullibility. When you can explain everything away with magic, you can get away with absolutely anything! Have any of you used the ‘Dummy Fairy’, or the ‘Manky Blanket That Is Covered In Crap From The Garden, But You Still Won’t Let Me Wash It, or Throw it Out Fairy’? I mean, there is a fairy for pretty much anything, I often imagine them standing in the Fairy Headquarters crossing their fingers for Tooth Fairy duties, and then kicking themselves for not throwing a sicky when they are assigned ‘Potty Training’ duty. As you can see, my magic foundations are perfectly well laid!
We mostly use whimsy as a way to encourage our children to do the right thing. “Keep your teeth clean, and when one falls out, the Tooth Fairy will give you money.” This then leads the way to “Dillan, if you don’t brush your teeth twice a day, your teeth will go rotten, and when they fall out, and you offer that to the Tooth Fairy, she will die, Dillan. Do you want the Tooth Fairy to die? No? Well get up those stairs and brush your teeth.” Or my personal favourite, “Oscar, when you don’t brush your teeth on the first time of me asking, the Tooth Fairy visits you in the night and wipes her bum on your pillow!” There is a chance this explains why he will only sleep with a light on, or that could be the gnome that lives in his wardrobe and steals all his toys when he’s been naughty.
The next set of lies we tell are, again, mostly used to manipulate our children to become functioning members of society. “If the wind changes, you’ll stay like that.” (Sadly, this actually did happen to me, and now I’m forever stuck looking like a tomato wearing a ginger wig). “If you pick your nose, your head will cave in.” Seriously, the amount of time Oscar spends with his finger waggling about in his nose, it’s wonder this hasn’t actually happened. I sometimes worry he might be pulling his brain out, like the Egyptians did back in the day. “If you’re naughty in this shop, that man will shout at you.” It took me a long time to realise that no strange man was ever going to shout at me, and it wasn’t until I was a grown up myself, and a frazzled mum pointed to me when she said it, that I realised just how uncomfortable it makes you feel as the pointee. I wasn’t entirely sure what my role was in this, but ever ready for an opportunity to show off my stage presence, I leapt to duty and gave the scariest look I could muster, while shaking my fist like an old man in the Beano. The mum and I shared an awkward smile, and I wandered off about my day, but then I thought I should probably keep up the ruse, and so I turned on my heels and followed the woman and her little boy, who was looking at me with increasing fear in his eyes, all around the shop until they left. In hindsight, I don’t think that was quite what was expected of me.
The next set of lies, are less lies and more, accidental slips of the tongue. When you’re so cross, your brain is thinking lots of things at once and inevitably one tumbles out of your mouth. I’ve heard stories of children sobbing in their rooms because their mum has threatened to give them away to the gypsies. (You know who you are!) For example, you have asked your darling child to put on their trousers. You have made this request approximately 1 million times, still, your child’s legs are naked, and the trousers are on the floor. So, you ask one more time, “Put your trousers on, please.” When it doesn’t happen this time, this is what happens…
So much of your brain filter is stopping you from swearing, or threatening to actually beat your child, that you accidentally let a threat of amputation slip through. It’s not ideal, it’s not perfect parenting, but it is human parenting. We’ve all been there. We’ve all said, “You little shit” under our breaths, and sometimes not so under our breaths, and we’ve all raised our voices. Children are infuriating, and it’s normal to get infuriated. Obviously, I’m never going to actually chop off his legs, and he knows that, but the excessiveness of the threat, tends to drive home the urgency of the situation, and he normally does what he is meant to.
My ex once told me that I should never threaten a punishment that I have no intention of carrying out. I mean, this is fantastic advice, unfortunately, I’m stubborn and I hadn’t asked for it, so naturally I just did what I wanted. Now, I have an uncontrollable five-year-old, who just laughs at me when I tell him that I’m going to throw him in the bin for being naughty in public. I am told though, that he is very well-behaved when out with other people, so I must have done something right.
I have heard a lot, recently about people saying that lying to our children is wrong, and we should be honest with them, and not convince them that magic is real. I know I have been glib, and made mention of the use of lies to blackmail children into doing our bidding, but think back. When you were a child, how amazing was it when you truly believed in everything, just because someone told you it was true? I took Oscar on a fairy hunt a couple of years ago, we went in the woods armed with tubes of glitter, and while one of us distracted him, another of us would go and “find” fairy-dust all around trees, where there was a little gift that had been left by the fairies. He still talks about that day, and he truly believes that he saw a fairy. (Grandad might have helped with that bit, after saying that he had seen one too). The beauty of children believing in magic, is that they believe that anything can happen. Why would you ever want to deprive a child of the wonder and mystery of fairies, and gnomes, and trolls, and even monsters. That belief makes stories more real, more meaningful, more fun. It makes growing up that bit easier. And, when you’re a grown-up, and you have children of your own, you get to create that whimsy, and instil that sense of wonder and magic in your children. It is so much fun, next time you’re out walking, spend an extra ten minutes looking for toadstools and fairy doors in trees. Sprinkle glitter around, and make everything magical.