Well I’m back again. I could come up with some bullshit excuse about why I’ve not posted for a while, but I’ve used up all my bullshit at work today, so I will just say, it’s good to be back. Hasn’t the weather been delightful? It’s been above 20 degrees, I’ve been out in the sun for more than 30 seconds, and I haven’t been sun burnt, so I’m calling that a success, and hibernating until winter.
Oscar is doing great, he’s had a birthday, so he keeps telling everybody, and has now reached the glorious age of 6. For his birthday, I bought him a bike. One of the main problems with having a ridiculously big child, is that they are often too big for toys and equipment that is suitable for their age. So, for example, when Oscar was at the right age to use a balance bike, he was far too big, but he wasn’t ready for a proper bike, because he couldn’t do the pedals. Skip forward a couple of years, and Oscar’s ability has just about caught up with his size, almost…well, soon, I’m sure. The problem is, other kids his age have been riding bikes for a year or more, and he feels like he is missing out a bit.
We’ve been out on his bike a few times since Oscar’s birthday. Let’s just say it hasn’t gone all that well. First of all, we went to the park, because Grandad said it would hurt less if he fell off on the grass. This might be true, but also doesn’t give Oscar any inclination to stay upright for any length of time, it has also made him terrified to ride his bike on the path, you know, in case he falls off and dies. Do you know how hard it is to ride a bike on the grass? No, of course you don’t, because normal people ride their bikes on the road, or properly surfaced cycle paths, or if you’re a complete cock, the path. I’ll tell you this, riding a bike on the grass is hard. It’s hard for someone that can actually ride a bike, but you give a 6-year-old a heavy bike and then try and get him to pedal himself around on it, well, it wasn’t brilliant. He was pedalling like the clappers while I was holding on to his seat, but the second I let go, he would wobble and propel himself off the bike like an action hero being thrown from an exploding building.
The next thing to contend with is the fact that we’re in the park. Three times he threw himself off his bike before he buggered off to play on the swings. An hour later, it was a very long walk home for me, carrying the heavy bike, and also listening to Oscar whingeing about how tired he was from the biking, and how he shouldn’t be expected to walk all the way home, him, a precious 6-year-old whatever was I thinking?
The next outing for the bike was the next day, we just went to the park near our house, I thought it would be a nice idea to take the dog with us, it was a hot day, and I didn’t fancy going out again later. Off we trotted, Oscar did ride his bike a little bit of the way to the park, along the cycle path, with me holding onto his seat. He was doing really well, but then somewhere deep in the depths of his brain, he remembered what grandad had said about falling off on concrete, and off he hopped. So, there I was, dog lead in one hand, bike in the other, pedals battering my shins every step I took, but it was so going to be worth it, because we were going to be out all afternoon until he cracked it. That was until I went to tie the dog to the railing and she fucked off for a run! 20 minutes, and lots of shouting later, Millie returned and I managed to tie her to the railing, where she rested for the next half-an-hour, clearly exhausted from her pain in the arseness.
Oscar rode his bike up and down the field, he was even managing a couple of yards on his own. I was running alongside him as well as I could, but I’m a fat mess of a woman, and my body was not happy with wobbling around a field stooped over a child’s bike in 27-degree heat. There was a point I almost passed out, I’m not proud, but it happened, let’s move on. About 30 seconds later, Oscar asked if he could go and play in the park, and I have never been more grateful for a lie down!
So, we’re not quite a biking family, yet, but we’re working on it. Another development in the world of Oscar is his ever-increasing obsession with his nether regions. I know it’s normal for boys to develop an early relationship with their ‘area’, but my god does Oscar test the boundaries of normal, healthy, and acceptable! We do have a very open household, I don’t discourage nakedness in my house. I don’t try and instil in Oscar a belief that the naked body is disgusting and must be hidden away, but by the same token, I do discourage walking about naked and shoving your bare arse in the dog’s face and telling her to ‘Lick it.’ We have regular chats about privacy, and boundaries, and private parts etc. and just when I think it’s sinking in, he runs down the stairs flicking his willy up and down to show me how he can make it grow. I’m almost certain he’s never done this at my mum’s house because he’s still allowed to go there. Every now and again he shares his body discoveries with me, like the other day when he declared, “Mummy, you know my willy holder? It’s got balls in it.” (Those of you who have read my previous posts will remember that Oscar calls his scrotum his willy holder). When I asked how he knew, he simply replied, “because I can feel them.”
I hope you’ve enjoyed this instalment of our craziness. This weekend, we are going camping, so I’m sure there will be plenty for you to look forward to 😊