| What an exciting few months it has been! Those of you that know me will know that I have recently branched out from being a terrible mother, to being a pretty average burlesque performer and above average funny person. Those of you who don’t know me probably don’t know, but I hosted my amazing friend’s Burlesque show in September, ‘Phoenix Belles presents All That Sass’, and we went down an absolute storm. So much so, that we have been booked for events covering the next eight months! I have just been informed that there will be even more on the horizon, so watch this space, because rumour has it, we’re going to be HUGE. With that in mind, my very noticeable absence has meant that I can no longer get by being a mediocre parent. I have significantly upped my game recently, I have remembered to provide Oscar with a snack for drama for the last 6 weeks, I managed to provide everything on the list for his residential trip, and even remembered to give him money and a change of clothes for his school disco yesterday. What I hadn’t taken into account was that, no matter how organised I was, Oscar was still a 6-year-old, and also still male, so basically, a moron. So, on Wednesday, when he went on his residential trip, although I had very carefully ensured that he was wearing his coat when I dropped him off, somehow, his coat didn’t make it onto the bus with him. Thankfully the weather was nice, and he didn’t need it. Then, on Friday, I get to pick him up from the disco, and the after school club leader says she has been desperately trying to contact me, because Oscar was distraught that I hadn’t left him any clothes for the disco. Well, I was not going to take this lying down! I had indeed sent Oscar to school with his best disco clothes, I had even shown him me hanging the bag containing said clothes on the top of his bright orange coat (the same coat that never made it to Beaumanor) and said to him, “I’ve hung your disco clothes here.” So, at some point, he has moved the bag containing his clothes, taken his coat off the peg, and replaced the disco clothes, and then cried because he didn’t have any disco clothes. As I said, moron. That said, this last few months, I have really started to notice Oscar developing his own character, which is apparently a disobedient, stubborn little shit, but with an enormous heart and affection by the bucketload. I do worry that he is becoming a little bit spoilt, we have regular Tesco tantrums. One method I have used to combat this (and I am by no means proud of my behaviour, but it fucking worked), was one day, when Oscar was being particularly stubborn in Tesco carpark and refused to get out of the car if I didn’t promise to buy him a toy. So, I put my seatbelt back on, made sure his was still on too, and off we drove to the Chinese. We got out of the car, and all excited, Oscar asks “Are we having Chinese?”. I reply, “I am.” He asks for chicken balls, and I order them. We go home, I plate up the chicken balls, and he goes to take them. I then move them away, and hand him a ham sandwich. I take the chicken balls into the living room, and sit and eat them. I did not enjoy a single one of those goddam chicken balls. Watching the disappointment on your son’s face while you’re eating what he believed was his treat tea, has to be up there with one of the worst things I have ever experienced in my life, but I was in, I couldn’t back down now, or he would win and we would never get to go shopping again without it costing me a fortune in toys. I know some of you are thinking ‘just ignore the tantrums’ and ordinarily I do, but fuck me, if he’s kicking off before we even get out of the car, that’s just not a shopping trip I’m willing to make! So, I explained to him that the reason he didn’t get Chinese food, was because of his behaviour at Tesco, and told him in future, every time he displayed spoilt behaviour, I would treat myself to something that he wanted. That was 3 weeks ago, and I haven’t had to tell him off in public once! I don’t know if you are aware that I am currently single, and very much active in the dating world. I have been regaling my school-mum friends of the stories of my pretty disastrous dates, and they have encouraged me to blog about them as well, because there are some humdingers in there! So, if you enjoy reading about how terrible I am at being a parent, you will really love reading about how terrible I am at love! |
